'Breaking Dawn, Part One' undeadly dull

This is the head of character Jasper Cullen. It is ridiculous and makes me laugh.Dragged my spouse to the latest Twilight movie: Breaking Dawn, Part One. She's read all the books. I only read the birth scene in the final book. It was weirder than de Sade.

The Twilight phenomenon seems to have petered out. Or the Twi-Hard Moms have moved along. Early on, seeing middle-aged women swoon and slobber over this teen-oriented series was annoying. By annoying, I mean made me jealous. Hopefully these same women were granting a pass to their partners/dudes swooning/slobbering over attractive female celebrities. Doubtful? Sure.

Also had trouble getting through my own teen (okay, also twentyish) romantic melodrama PTSDs. Due to about $150,000 spent on Scientology training (I now am Tom Cruise's official toothbrusher) and extensive re-re-reading of The Secret (vision board iPad app allows me to manifest things while on the road, BAM!) I am now well past projecting onto the Twilight saga and can regard it dispassionately.

This movie was boring.

The director must have been chanting: "One more time, with less effort." Poor actors.

Per usual with the series, any scene of characters enjoying themselves must be followed by a tenfold of regret. Not life as a series of ups and downs, but one iota of pleasure carries heavy shame and angst every time.

One night of sex? Aftermath: 100% pregnancy rate, bruises, brooding, apologies, locals yelling curses at you, lethal vampiric fetus a tumor consuming and breaking you from within.

Every night is a full moon. Either the whole story takes place during one evening OR the characters are catatonic for 27 consecutive days and emerge only on the 28th. Like Brigadoon, but slightly faster.

The birth scene is obscurely done. Dull disappointment.

Jacob, the teen werewolf, imprinting on an infant as a future mate? Oh, they kinda tried, but the audience laughed. There's no way to win that. Dorky, disturbing, trying to make us swoon over something heinous. I laughed, too.

Looking for scenes of dog-punching? This movie's got it, though confusingly edited.

Despite what the poster hints below, the vampires from Europe have essentially no presence in the film. Just as well, given Europeans are E-VIL in these movies. They have their cra-zazy adequate healthcare systems, respect for other nations, sense of place in human history. E-VIL. If you're worried about American minds being exposed to European ideas in this movie, fret not.