Last weekend at a school auction dinner with a comfort food theme (meat loaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, iceberg lettuce wedge salad) the dessert options were: 1.) Pool bids among your table for a right to jockey in a “dessert dash” for a baked treat of your choice and return it to your table; 2.) A s’mores-type fudge delivered to the table; 3.) A box of 10 Twinkies.
As a kid, Twinkies were AMAZING. In teen years, I noticed that eating them was never satisfying – the dreams of a fulfilling golden-sponge cake never dreamy and never fulfilling with a bizarre burning sensation left in the throat.
In 1991, inspired by an issue of Spy magazine, I bought a box of Twinkies and: A.) Put one in a microwave for a minute (expanded slightly, smelled like burning plastic, “cream” was blackened but the cake was fine; B.) Placed a Twinkie in jar of water (swelled to 3x its size, kept its shape until I shook it then it all dissolved); C.) Left a Twinkie outside on the apartment’s patio railing for the birds (birds came and investigated, never, ever ate any – the Twinkie eventually disintegrated after a few day’s rain living an oblong ring of goo in its wake like a spontaneously exploded golden slug).
At this auction night, I ate a Twinkie. Almost ate all of it. I sucked out the “cream” and left some of the golden sponge cake flesh/rind on the table. Still gross. Spouse ate part of mine, too. Another relative at the table ate one. Took the remaining 8 home for the kids. Spouse said “I don’t think the kids have ever had Twinkies.” then mentioned to relatives “I don’t know that we’ve ever given the kids Twinkies.” Not a boast so much as giving our kids brand-name snacks is typically something we do. A statistical oddity.
Have spent the last 5 days selling the concept of eating a Twinkie to the kids as an after-snack dinner. Visions of sun-dappled moms giving their kids a treat after Wonder Bread sandwiches and Kool Aid drinks in our backyard (why aren’t the dads ever sun-dappled? They’re only shown as frustrated at the BBQ or fucking stuff up). “How about some Hostess treats?” Carefully blended selection of showbiz kids, also dun-dappled and in intense-gamboling mode yet quite sheveled: “Yay!” Small hands from all directions removing all selections from the dessert platter. Mom pleased, smiles at the camera and gives a head shake with a “I’m such a good provider.” and “Kids LOVE cramming artificial foamy lard dollops down their gullets” look in her eyes.
Our kids have declined to eat a Twinkie each day. The expiration date is approaching (contrary to myth, they do expire) and I will happily drop all 8 of these in the garbage. My little birds are ignoring Twinkies, too.
3 comments
My kids have never eaten Twinkies, either, I don't think. NIMBY, anyway. I should try it just to see what happens–sort of like dropping Mentos in D.Coke…it will be fun to watch. Now, this is some REAL science! They have been talking about Squinkys lately, but that's not the same, right? I haven't seen them eat those either!
Real science would suggest you choose one kid to experiment on, the other you leave intact as the "control" example and then note differences. That's the main reason to have two kids.
I've raised my kid on Twinkies. Got a big ass grant from Hostess 13 years ago. I committed to 10 Twinkies a week as child fermented and continued spooning cake and into the babe until she grew and grew. She doesn't think much but it's made parenting a breeze and we're no longer having to save for college.