If/when I’m God Emperor of the United States

Imagine a world (dream or nightmare) where I am an omnipotent force over the entire United States. After some thought, I have decided against omniscience. Enough waking hours are spent sprawled with my own thoughts on a chaise lounge, back of my hand pressed against forehead, lamenting “Lo, the burden of consciousness!” to find any appeal in compounding that by a factor of 300 million more thoughts.

Keeping the basic structures of the government intact, some things I would change:

FAITH
Anyone who cites The Bible as a source of logic and/or a magical Christian force as directing his/her political campaign must be immediately quizzed. If he/she can correctly name 2/3 of the books of The Bible, that person will be deemed a true believer and can retain office. If the person can name only half of the books of The Bible, a discretionary oral quiz may be administered asking for a convincing interpretation of the “Book of Solomon” within the context of the Old Testament. If done with decent feeling, the person will pass. An interpretation citing “Solomon” as a prophecy of the arrival of Christ will result in an automatic fail (remember, OT context).

Failing the quiz means loss of office, being publicly branded a “poseur”, and his/her constituents must elect someone else.

GAY MARRIAGE
Anyone who has voted or spoken within the last ten years against the right of homosexuals to marry within shall immediately be gay married for a period no shorter than two years. This shall serve two purposes: 1.) It will prove to the person that homosexuals can be conventional and not 100% as exotic and “on” as the media portrays. 2.) Most importantly, gay-bashing zealots are likely closet cases and the steady understanding of a same-sex partner will chill them the fuck out.

BIRTHERS
Any elected official who maintains or alleges Barack Obama was not born in the United States of America, and thus should not be President, must be removed from office and his/her constituents must elect someone else. Birthers are latent (or overt) racists and have not shown this vigilance monitoring the pedigree of any white President. They are also patsies to the neo-con playbook defining Obama as an “Other”. GTFO. Birthers may be admitted back into office after having given a verbal mea culpa named A Very Special Testimonial. Any Testimonial citing having several friends/acquaintances from various ethnicities shall result in immediate disqualification and the ban from office maintained.

TEA PARTY
Any elected official proclaiming themselves a Tea Party member must be removed from office save for meeting condition (a) below and their constituents must elect someone else. They are corporate neo-con patsies, and have shifted from railing against bank bailouts (understandable), to now thinking Obamacare is the greatest problem our nation faces. Sadly, they found their sense of purpose when a black man took office and were not visible when white President Bush started two wars conducted off the books, a record-setting corporate welfare giveaway, massive deficits, warrantless wiretapping of citizens, and torture.

(a) If a Tea Party member can show evidence he/she protested Bush-era issues at the time they occurred he/she will get a totally pimp-ass card made from platinum and jewels, and free gas for a year. One has been made up for Ron Paul, otherwise the expense of this offer is expected to be limited.

REMEMBERING ME
There shall be no establishment of religion for the purpose of worshipping the God Emperor of the United States. First, it’s a recipe for trouble and institutional corruption. Second, I don’t respect kiss-asses.

Rather than typical prayer — usually involves taking the position of a slave to the master, pretentious whispering/chanting — contacting the God Emperor of the United States shall happen strictly through Facebook, Twitter, or Google+ where I shall be sure to see it.