Greasy Palins, with a side of gay-bashing.

Sarah Palin posted a goofy photo endorsing Chick-Fil-A on her Facebook Page. After joking with friends, a buddy suggested putting a caption idea I had on the photo. Voilà! Adapting Palin’s photo seems ripe for widespread meme-dom. It is obnoxious, and deserves all the internet battery it gets!

Side note: I’ve hardly ever been to Chick-Fil-A. There aren’t many nearby, and the one I know of is in a shopping mall. I pretty much am only in shopping malls on weekends, and Chick-Fil-A is famously closed on Sundays (kinda respect that, heathen that I am). So, it long seemed elusive and unattainable. Guess it will be a while longer before I ever eat there. Like, after a head injury.

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms”

Muriel RukeyserThe first stanza is apt today given the stupid backwards direction misogynistic politicians are taking against women determining what they do with their bodies. Worse than that, the insistence by these self-hating assholes to linger and intrude and control and KNOW what women do with their bodies.

“The Speed of Darkness” by Muriel Rukeyser

        1
Whoever despises the clitoris despises the penis
Whoever despises the penis despises the cunt
Whoever despises the cunt despises the life of the child.

Resurrection music,     silence,     and surf.

        2
No longer speaking
Listening with the whole body
And with every drop of blood
Overtaken by silence

But this same silence is become speech
With the speed of darkness.  

        3
Stillness during war, the lake.
The unmoving spruces.
Glints over the water.
Faces, voices.     You are far away.
A tree that trembles and trembles.

        4
After the lifting of the mist
after the heavy rains
the sky stands clear
and the cries of the city risen in day
I remember the buildings are space
walled, to let space be used for living
I mind this room is space
this drinking glass is space
whose boundary of glass
lets me give you drink and space to drink
your hand, my hand being space
containing skies and constellations
your face
carries the reaches of air
I know I am space
my words are the air.

        5
Between     between
the man  :  act     exact
woman  :  in curve     senses in their maze
frail orbits, green tries,     games of stars
shape of the body speaking its evidence

        6
I look across at the real
vulnerable     involved     naked
devoted to the present of all I care for
the world of history leading to this moment.

        7
Life is the announcer.
I assure you
there are many ways to have a child.
I bastard mother
promise you
there are many ways to be born.
They all come forth
in their own grace.

        8
Ends of the earth join tonight
with blazing stars upon thier meeting.

These sons,      these sons
fall burning into Asia.

        9
Time comes into it.
Say it.     Say it.
The universe is made of stories,
not of atoms.

        10
Lying
blazing beside me
you rear beautifully up—
your thinking face—
erotic body reaching
in all its colors and lights—
your erotic face
colored and lit—
not colored body-and-face
but now entire,
colors     lights     the world of thinking and reaching.

        11
The river flows past the city.

Water goes down to tomorrow
making its children     I hear their unborn voices
I am working out the vocabulary of my silence.

        12
Big-boned man young and of my dream
Struggles to get the live bird out of his throat.
I am he am I?     Dreaming?
I am the bird am I?     I am the throat?

A brid with a curved beak.
It could slit anything, the throat-bird.
Drawn up slowly.     The curved blades, not large.
Bird emerges     wet     being born
Begins to sing.

        13
My night awake
staring at the broad rough jewel
the copper roof across the way
thinking of the poet
yet unborn in this dark
who will be the throat of these hours.
No.     Of those hours.
Who will speak these days,
if not I,
if not you?

Punch your heart, then ask for money?

Kony 2012 joins an interesting year of social network activism. Awareness that the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure was driven by right-wing anti-women women leading to plummeting donations to Komen, and a rise in donations to Planned Parenthood. Making Rush Limbaugh apologize and costing him sponsors. Fascinating examples of how social networks can create a tide of public opinion to great effect.

In the last day or so, the world is suddenly concerned with a this terrible Kony warlord. And the entity that spread the word wants you — if you care for children and object to rape and murder and terror — to donate money to them and share with your friends the news and calls for donations. 43 million views on YouTube. 14.2 million on Vimeo. Astonishing.

Being engaged is important. Making a difference and helping those who struggle is important. But the effect of the video and the excitement of being part of a quick-response online movement has seemingly made many people’s critical thinking skills temporarily disengage. What is this group Invisible Children behind the video? Are they good or bad? Do they spend money wisely? I don’t have all those answers, but there’s a lot of cause for skepticism before forking over money. And they do ask for money, over and over again.

A critical mind about the Kony 2012 online fad in no way constitutes an endorsement of raising children to kill and rape their own family members, run drugs, and making life as shitty as possible for others.

P.S. – This article on Jezebel about this topic is really good.

Santorum, fecal demi-Catholic, lubey, wants to spray you

Rick Santorum cites the Catholic Church as his source of moral guidance. Like most Catholics, he cherry picks which direct-from-god dictates to follow, no matter how much of a furrowed brow and pointed finger the Pope-of-the-day makes on the topic. He hates women having control over their bodies, contraception EVEN IN MARRIAGE, and homosexuals.

Does he follow the Catholic Church’s stance against capital punishment, the Iraq War, and unversal health care? Doubtful. I’d check that, but it would require a mouse drag all the way to the top of this browser window to use the search engine and I’m not putting that much effort into it.

Back when Santorum still held elective office, he was an asshole then, too, and columnist Dan Savage ran a contest to create a definition of “santorum” to mess with search engine results. Known as Santorum’s “Google problem”, here’s the winning reader submission:

Pronunciation: san-TOR-um, Function: noun, Etymology: Savage Love – 05/29/03

1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.
2. Former Senator Rick Santorum

Here’s a political ad by Rick Santorum in which his right-now pollitical rival, Mitt Romney, gets sprayed by a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter:

Villain! This ad uses the overture to Carmen. Fool! Fiend! Carmen belongs to meeee!

The final image is a dead ringer for the image long at Santorum.com to keep stank all over his name.

Santorum is a weirdo!

Holiday spirit in an airport toilet stall

Two weeks ago I had a layover in the Minneapolis airport. Yes, THAT airport that tripped (tapped?) up Idaho Senator Larry Craig of the “wide stance” public sex scandal. Four years ago in the overworn, miserable “I’m not homosexual, I love Jesus, hard, but I am only truly happy doing homosexual things with homosexual men” trope.

ANY-hoo, I was taking care of business (I excrete gardenia petals and high-quality maple syrup, unlike you mortals) and an instrumental version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” was playing in the bathroom, LOUDLY. I’d never heard an instrumental version before, have you? ‘Cause it’s horrifying. Think of that song, without the lyrics, the repetitive rounds. “DUN dun dun da dun, DUN dun dun da dun…” And it built up to and went through all twelve rounds. Oy. Nightmarish. So far, I like the holidays and associate them with friends and family (and wistfulness, Christmas songs come in minor keys, too). But that moment was horrible, and for people who don’t have those associations with this holiday I salute you for enduring.

Didn’t get the camera phone in time for “12 Days of Christmas”, but here enjoy a few bars of “Jingle Bells” that followed, with the sounds of dreary travelers around.

If/when I’m God Emperor of the United States

Imagine a world (dream or nightmare) where I am an omnipotent force over the entire United States. After some thought, I have decided against omniscience. Enough waking hours are spent sprawled with my own thoughts on a chaise lounge, back of my hand pressed against forehead, lamenting “Lo, the burden of consciousness!” to find any appeal in compounding that by a factor of 300 million more thoughts.

Keeping the basic structures of the government intact, some things I would change:

FAITH
Anyone who cites The Bible as a source of logic and/or a magical Christian force as directing his/her political campaign must be immediately quizzed. If he/she can correctly name 2/3 of the books of The Bible, that person will be deemed a true believer and can retain office. If the person can name only half of the books of The Bible, a discretionary oral quiz may be administered asking for a convincing interpretation of the “Book of Solomon” within the context of the Old Testament. If done with decent feeling, the person will pass. An interpretation citing “Solomon” as a prophecy of the arrival of Christ will result in an automatic fail (remember, OT context).

Failing the quiz means loss of office, being publicly branded a “poseur”, and his/her constituents must elect someone else.

GAY MARRIAGE
Anyone who has voted or spoken within the last ten years against the right of homosexuals to marry within shall immediately be gay married for a period no shorter than two years. This shall serve two purposes: 1.) It will prove to the person that homosexuals can be conventional and not 100% as exotic and “on” as the media portrays. 2.) Most importantly, gay-bashing zealots are likely closet cases and the steady understanding of a same-sex partner will chill them the fuck out.

BIRTHERS
Any elected official who maintains or alleges Barack Obama was not born in the United States of America, and thus should not be President, must be removed from office and his/her constituents must elect someone else. Birthers are latent (or overt) racists and have not shown this vigilance monitoring the pedigree of any white President. They are also patsies to the neo-con playbook defining Obama as an “Other”. GTFO. Birthers may be admitted back into office after having given a verbal mea culpa named A Very Special Testimonial. Any Testimonial citing having several friends/acquaintances from various ethnicities shall result in immediate disqualification and the ban from office maintained.

TEA PARTY
Any elected official proclaiming themselves a Tea Party member must be removed from office save for meeting condition (a) below and their constituents must elect someone else. They are corporate neo-con patsies, and have shifted from railing against bank bailouts (understandable), to now thinking Obamacare is the greatest problem our nation faces. Sadly, they found their sense of purpose when a black man took office and were not visible when white President Bush started two wars conducted off the books, a record-setting corporate welfare giveaway, massive deficits, warrantless wiretapping of citizens, and torture.

(a) If a Tea Party member can show evidence he/she protested Bush-era issues at the time they occurred he/she will get a totally pimp-ass card made from platinum and jewels, and free gas for a year. One has been made up for Ron Paul, otherwise the expense of this offer is expected to be limited.

REMEMBERING ME
There shall be no establishment of religion for the purpose of worshipping the God Emperor of the United States. First, it’s a recipe for trouble and institutional corruption. Second, I don’t respect kiss-asses.

Rather than typical prayer — usually involves taking the position of a slave to the master, pretentious whispering/chanting — contacting the God Emperor of the United States shall happen strictly through Facebook, Twitter, or Google+ where I shall be sure to see it.

Defining Rick Santorum, a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter

Rick Santorum would like you to know he is not gay nor a dog rapist, and in no way is a hateful git who deserves the years and years of internet mockery he had coming to him.Doing my part to shore up the 8 year campaign to define (via Google) the gay-bashing, pent-up, milquetoast ninny Rick Santorum.

DEFINITION: SANTORUM

Pronunciation: san-TOR-um
Function: noun
Etymology: Savage Love – 05/29/03 [Great post, worth reading – Ed.]

1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

2. Former Senator Rick Santorum

This effort has worked for years, and still holds so strong that Santorum complains about it all the time. Google “Santorum”, gangsta!

Dan Savage on ‘Colbert’ & Marriage & Monogamy

Dan Savage was on The Colbert Report last week (only catching up to episodes now) to talk about marriage for same-sex couples, marriage’s history as a conveyance of property, and monogamy. It was a good platform. His Savage Love podcast makes for great weekly listening (funny, righteous political anger, incisive wit), and the book he has been evangelizing, Sex at Dawn, is an eye-opener on how we as a society should be more pragmatic about human nature and happiness and less hypocritical in public (and especially, to my mind, the media). Still smarting that Anthony Weiner, who touched no one that we know of, felt forced to resign when known prostitute (legalize it!) clients were still on the floor of Congress unperturbed.

The guy sitting behind Colbert is his longtime comedy buddy Paul Dinello playing “my Building Manager Tad” a Heterosexual Accountability Buddy, making fun of the Bachmans’ gay reparative therapy horrorshow. Any-hoo, an amusing, fast-moving comedy bit:

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Dan Savage
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Weiner “sex addict”? Feh!

On the radio, a liberal talkshow host starting talking prudishly/compassionately/condescendingly about Mark Weiner having a “sex addiction” for having tweeted some photos showing off his plumage/prowess/power in a cyber mating display.

His main mistake with PR is ignoring the fundamental rule of them with scandal management: full disclosure, right away. Otherwise the news cycle gets extended as details leak out, and the coverage becomes about the coverup, not the initial transgression(s).

Ya know, we’re all primates. We all do undignfied things every day. Like, say, poop. We’re not a classy species. No big deal.

As long as Weiner didn’t harm anybody, he’ll get through. People love pecadilloes. Heck, they’ve shown time and again they find such behavior adorable. Shows that leaders are just like them. Weiner will get re-elected, no problem.

What is irritating is the media wringing its hands like the moral arbiters of the country. Not necessary.