On the anniversary of Hitchens’ death

One year ago today (December 15) Christopher Hitchens died from esophageal cancer. In May 2011 he gave a reflective interview with Anderson Cooper talking about life, death, prayer (no effect), and the bogusness of “closure”. Cooper, a Vanderbilt, does well here on these topics. His father died when he was 10, he brother Carter committed suicide in 1988.

Apologies for the stretched video. I’m sensitive to 4:3 images stretched to widescreen, and am stupefied when people don’t notice/care. Tried to correct it, but this is the way the CNN video is.

Cooper: “You burned the candle at both ends.”

Hitchens: “And it gave a lovely light.”

 

With Les Demoiselles d’Avignon

As I came off the street, the dusky woman of Nile pedigree looked to try to place me. This was my third visit here. Third time seeing her.

Combien?”

Deux.” I held two fingers, pressed in parallel. To split the fingers seemed too lewd. Not a typical gesture from me. It looked like a salute.

She opened her mouth and before she could exhale a barter I said “Six cent Euros.” This broke her routine. She was glad. With a nod she picked up the phone to whisper the order. I did not peruse the room. I knew the room. These were not the jitters of the first time. If I knew my place, was grounded, perhaps I would impress her. Perhaps she would let me in to who she was. I could be a sheik and she my dutiful wife of the night. Or she would master me and I would listen and get glimpses and sounds and tastes of serving Hatshepsut. Not Cleopatra, the hostess was not Greek. She was regal wherever she went. I was the interloper. I was the one imported to her world.

I breathed steadlity and kept my footfalls flat but solid as I followed her up the stairs. Her white diaphanous dress a promise not to come, but to allure. Entice & snare below, drag them upstairs. It worked. I admired the slit in the gown that showed her leg and its strong thigh. Not gamine, my usual type.

At the doorway was a curtain. Without a prompt from me she stood with one assertive kouros foot forward, less kore now than a fading ephebe turned into warrior as a guide to a battle or slaughter. Her broad feet were darker than the skin on her face and neck and arms and thigh. Maybe it was the cold, but her feet were more than flush, they were splotched red. Another’s red? This was not a boudoir, though surely made to look like one, nor an abattoir. I was the one paying. This was a service to me. But I knew I would be lesser than when I came in. I would leave something from within me in this room to be rinsed away to prepare for the next one.

My eyes went first to the small table with ripe grapes so large they were probably chosen for tumescence, doubtful their taste mattered. A full pear was next to the grapes. A half apple was behind the pear, only slightly browned. Maybe someone in the room ate it. Maybe the last customer, or one before, had it for a repast before exit. The crescent-shaped plate had crumbs of cheese. Probably a fully furnished plate when the day began. A paring knife was on the floor. It was now an hour before lunch.

With a rustle behind me the hostess was gone. Then I was floating above the bed as two women were partially draped in the bedsheet gazing up at me with anticipation. Not with eagerness but from waiting for what my move would be. Which variation on their well-practiced routines would we follow? I thought back on the royal Egyptian woman boy always stronger than me and how much I wanted to howl with her and become frenzied and lost and accomplish what I want in commanding these distant women soon to be pressed to me, for word to get back to her that I was triumphant in her maison d’abattage. That I behaved myself here. That I would be welcome back here a fourth time, remembered, greeted by her again and again.

My imagination over these two waiting women split and fractured between them as I noticed parts of one I liked over the other then speculation shifted to the other’s graces and potential and a split of the blue sky and white clouds soaring outside and calling out and viewing through the bay window. Perhaps we would stay and talk and pet and read and be at leisure as the light shafts shifted during the slow trek of the sun and slugabed parade of cumulus clouds.

Once I was done I would not be inclined to stay, to solicit their real names, to discuss the sublime and refuge of art and exchange witticisms over the politics of the day. I would exit and perhaps walk past a woman sitting at a spongebath and I would admire her haunches and line of her back and smoothness and splayed legs and she would see me and appraise me for how much I would bring for her. They develop a talent for judging quickly the want in your eyes and how much you would pay and how much effort they would put into drawing it from you.

Maybe I would make a quick turn when leaving this room, catch a charwoman supplementing her right to work here and live here by helping maintain the halls and rooms. She may be faded, or a grotesque, but still able to draw from a well-moneyed few with particular fancy cravings. Or the wrangler of a long-maintained clientele year over year that kept returning until they moved elsewhere or died.

I left the pear and the apple. I ate two grapes, not that good but my throat was dry and I was glad for it. The room of pink flesh and white sheets and yellow and orange light was now behind me. The open blue sky would soon be above me once I struck out on the sidewalk again. Mon bordel.

 

Simile? Code? Samsung : Salman Rushdie as…

Samsung ads/links/suggestions have been all up in my Facebook feed the last few weeks. This already had me at a “Fuck off, Samsung” state of mind. Now it has shown up as a Twitter suggestion similar to Salman Rushdie. I’m not seeing it. Is “Samsung” some sort of trigger word meant to break me out of a spell or summon me from a virtual reality, and I’m not responding?

I’d declare a fatwa on Samsung, but then the “similar to” claim would be a validated prophecy. So, I’m sticking with wanting Samsung to downshift its sponsored links stuff.

Salman Rushdie on Twitter: @SalmanRushdie

Samsung Mobile: I’m not pimping that, get it yourself!

Nike+ helps me CRUSH IT (can it spritz Axe Body Spray?)

I got this new Nike+ getup, a GPS watch to track my workouts (where I go, how fast, elevation, gotta know how I’m rockin’ and gotta share it later) that works with a sensor in my shoe. If the GPS signal is lost, it can track the speed and distance with the shoe sensor ‘fo (short for “info”). Shoe sensor is the GPS watch’s boo.

I get back from doing my thing, plug the watch in to upload my workouts. I can Facebook it, I can Twitter it. Nike+ even gives me default Twitter text to brag to the world how I do it, player. Check it: “I crushed a XXmi run with a pace of XX’XX” with Nike+ SportWatch GPS. #nikeplus”

COOL! My auto-tweets back me up to testify that these feats matter, they are braggable. Solid. I do, indeed, crush it.

This is structured for running, I use it for walking. So, is boasting about a 20 minute mile something that will get me into the Olympics? Ha ha, you. No. For real, it shows I’ve got stamina. Ladies like that. I’m not a short burst kind of guy (unless you want me to be, let me know!).

So this stuff is from my SECOND walk today. People with strollers were all “Where’d that blast of wind come from?” ‘cuz I’m a walkin’ BLUR.

Me: “I’m lettin’ y’all know when that crosswalk light changes I am GONE, ‘cuz I CRUSH. IT. Every. Time.” The old people always applaud when I do that. Good to feel loved by my fellow citizens. Making a mental note to be that cool when I’m their age, like, 90 years from now. Watch the video!

Impressed, right? So I went different speeds, and even different elevations. That’s how I roll. And I did this TWICE. Once to get where I was going, then again on the way back.

All the way, got my groove on. A couple of podcasts. Then after a bunch of thoughts I went to tunes. Really digging Train’s “Drive By” and “50 Ways”. So good. And I listened to “Hero” by Nickelback, like, ten times in a row. Such a great song about Spiderman.

Now, if there were a button combo on this watch that would emit a on-the-go refresh of Axe Body Spray, I’d be good-to-go all the time.

Wish I had some Zima at my home (come back, 1995!) so instead I flavored up some vodka as a little pick-me-up reward. Got anything going on tonight? Text me and we’ll meet up and get this town going, G!

Royals make more royals? Feh! Go back to Russia!

Mostly immune to the royal glamor (ehm, glamour?). When Charles and Diana got married, the press coverage was extraordinary but I didn’t understand what the fuss was about. I do enjoy their foibles from time to time.

Imbuing magical properties onto books, institutions, or people typically leads to trouble. Folks who say the royal family is a harmless lark should remember that the royals preside over the Church of England and Parliament. Let’s recall the U.S. colonies were founded to escape royal and religious tyranny.

Having a royal family is dumb.

Saturday Night Live dreams, w/ William Shatner

Dreamed that I was on Saturday Night Live again as a cast member. The dreams are very vivid, with reciting dialog and a variety of sketches, relying on my previous dream-SNL experience (I always reference I’m a veteran, compounding earlier SNL dreams).

Upon waking up, I typically feel the urge to watch the recorded show to see how I did. It takes time to realize, say, this time: 1) It was a dream on Friday night, 2) I was in Oregon all day and not in New York.

I was on Weekend Update trying out some new catch phrases, sketches relying on silly attitudes and some of my dodgy celebrity impressions, but the longest one was a dragged-out end-of-show experimental slop skit that was largely improv and with William Shatner. We were light on the goals of the sketch, knew it was tanking, then were amusing ourselves and if the audience followed along, bully for them.

After the show, Shatner and I got into an argument in a parking lot. Possibly because I made fun of his acting style on air. Then I woke up. These aren’t performance-anxiety dreams, as embarrassment or shame don’t intrude.

‘New Girl’, vagina technique: everybody gets a churro

A terrific moment from ‘New Girl’, a show that seemed it would bug the shit outta me but is hilarious and moving toward greatness. Could it be I’ve progressed from chewing psycho-emotional cud over teenage angst to late 20s-early 30s cud? Counts as progess. I may be mature by age 60 at this rate. Excellent!

Schmidt, accomplished ladies’ man, is here consulting with a lesbian gynecologist. Schmidt has lost sexual confidence and they exchange techniques here. We laughed so hard we missed the final line: “Everybody. Gets. A churro.”

Another storyline involved procrastinating on writing. Not that I’m doing that, right now, by blogging instead of writing.

The core of Scmidt’s technique, because Valentine’s Day will be here before you know it:

Then what I’ll do is, is I’ll go outside, get the paper, and shake the neighbor’s hand.

Then what I’ll do is I’ll tie a bow on it, because it’s birthday time, then get onstage and collect my Oscar, and say “Thank you!” to the people, “Thank you!” to the people. Then get back down off stage and get everybody into the sharing circle, right down in there on the sharing circle, and then SPIKE THE VOLLEYBALL.

What I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, and then answer his riddles three. And then what we do is we’re dancing, we’re just gonna dance, we’re gonna dance for a while, dance until you can’t dance anymore, dance until you can’t dance ANYMORE. Then everybody. Gets. A churro. [mouth pop]”

Susan Rice is a werewolf, duh.

Figured out why John McCain has such a boner to warn us about Susan Rice.

Behind closed doors, Susan Rice reveals herself to be a werewolf, snarling “Try telling the world, they will think you’ve gone MAD!” She then transforms back to petite human shape, steps out to wave at the cameras.

McCain and Lindsey Graham look at each other, think “Oh, shit. We can’t tell them she’s a werewolf, we’ll get locked up!” and now are flummoxed by how to warn us all.

Laugh it up, fuzzball, but what the heck would YOU do in their spot?

The sparkly Twilight loaf, it is pinched!

I’ve seen all five Twilight movies. Knowing there is inner dialog and motivations going on that cannot be conveyed onscreen has me less focused on why everyone looks so burpy, and more often bored.

Two scenes are pretty good. When Jacob hastily strips before the grown-up audience’s proxy, Bella’s dad, to change into a wolf to PROVE to the dad there are THINGS in this world that are SUPERNATURAL he has NO IDEA about, both actors do a good job selling it as comedy.

The battle scene near the end is cathartic. The special effects are poor, but it’s delightfully brutal and chock full of “Wow, did they just do that?” For people emotionally involved with the characters, it must have been a roller coaster. For a distant observer, it was daring given the constraints.

It also serves as testimony that when heading into battle, thick wool clothing and heavy capes are a LOUSY idea when combatting people in more nimble clothing. Especially weird given vampires don’t need to keep warm. And for a collection of Eurotrash based in Italy, why no Italian accents among the Volturi? It was all that non-committal mid-Atlantic accent where you cannot pinpoint where the character is supposed to be from, other than not AMURHICA.

“Alice” and “Jasper”. They’re not really centuries old.Jasper’s head. It makes me smirk or laugh. A fixation every movie. The actor’s candid photos look normal-ish, but when he’s onscreen, you can sense him reciting to himself: “I am wise and older than I look, oh, the things my character has seen.” Whatever he’s doing, it doesn’t work.

Are the movies lazy about when vampires are pale versus sanguine? Flesh tones are all over the place in this series. If this inconsistency is explained in the books let me know.

CGI Renesme looks awful. Uncanny. They put CGI on her face as a baby, toddler, and grown-up. It floats over where the face should be and lags a tetch behind the body itself. In the baby scenes, I imagined the actors carrying around an infant baby model covered in green and little white dots they use in motion capture and started laughing.

I am the spawn of the undead and a mopey teen, but it is CGI that makes me an abomination.When it was all over, it was like finishing flavorless food. Not flavorless, more like a grilled Velveeta sammich. Took the kids, who had only seen the first movie, and reflected they could follow the story without having seen the intervening three movies.

Is there anyone watching these movies a second time? Anyone truly caught up in the romance? I’m way out of the demographic (moms, teens) but it seems the culture hardly references the films now, no quoting of lines, re-enacting scenes. Watching this “Epic Finale That Will Live Forever”, it felt like a national obligation we were all “Meh” about. Seems unlikely kids will be viewing the movies five years from now. Or two years.

Brave raging Gummi Bear

A jewel! A polished stone!
A dollop of sugar translucent red on a dingy sidewall in a mediocre greyish day.
I admired your defiance, rear end upward, “Dissolution may come, but I will shine!”
Considered popping you in my mouth to infuse that spirit within my watery flesh.
Left you, the gelatin ass ridge bending highest, the last part fated to melt.
So important when one can choose the manner of the end.
To leave a gem-like stain is honorable.
Will probably forget about it with the next handful of Gummi Bears.