The want in your eyes said “Come find me.” There is no practical way in these practical times, but I will try. I said that I would try, in my honest glance back.
Sugar. Aw, funny funny. You got me wanting you.
During a long pre-work walk one morning I went by this bottling plant and was struck by the colors and stacks.
About a decade ago I had no problem consuming 32+ ounces of soda pop. Now? I can rarely finish off a 12 oz. can, even with ice, even when daring myself. Stomach & kidney induce a gag-reflex quickly then, uhrp, ick, can’t drink no’ mo’.
Never was able to stand diet drinks. Aftertaste = bleh, always revolting to my palate whether saccharine, Nutra-Sweet, Sweet-n-Low, Splenda, ground unicorn hoof. It’s all horrible. Only sugar or high fructose corn syrup in MY soft drinks, or Get It the Fuck Outta Here!
Snapped this photo feeling all moral and stuff about making smarter choices, what with the reduced soda pop consumption. Until I realized in my mitts was a bag with a bacon maple bar donut and a chocolate cake donut with chocolate frosting and chocolate chips. So, got some ways to go on the “making smarter choices” front. With a snort, I took my inflated/deflated righteousness and got the fuck outta there.
I only ate the top part of each donut, scraping the tasty rind and leaving the bulk of the complex carbohydrates. Weird rationalization/righteousness slightly recovered.
It’s not fair.
You were wiped out, ashen, hated what was on the daytime hospital t.v. But you had the energy enough to say so. The aesthete will go down last. Sat at your bedside, laughed at old laughs, running through a sampling of all we liked and hated, and made some new laughs. Lots of eye rolls. Lots of times your eyes closed and you willed them open again. Your systems uncomfortable, but you were tired and on pain medication and I was glad for the hour and a half you powered through.
“I’m not afraid of death, but I don’t want to die.” you confided. And repeated. I heard you, as your friends and family have heard you. We don’t want you to die either, but we are a little afraid for ourselves.
Your body is fighting itself, and you’re fighting its fighting. And the treatment is to fry and boil and poison your body from within to trick the nodules into dying while the rest of you around them stumbles ahead, just alive, like a concussed thief. Bones radiated until they feel like glass inside the meat of your legs, or they feel like hollow tin that ache as you move.
Punch your body to get the sick out. Didn’t work? Turn slightly to one side, punch on your body from another angle with slightly adjusted knuckles and see if THAT works. Round after round.
We were mostly hard nosed. Logistics. Requests. If/when your daughter is deep in errands and tough errands, she’d better know how proud you are of her. I will remind her. You and I were not completely successful in staying practical. We broke down a couple times. Deep breaths.
Do you have hours, weeks, years left? That joke we made two and a half years ago about getting old and needing that thing is not as funny now the matter is practical. As I left I asked the nurse for the preventative just-in-case item, which she delivered. Part of another shift for her. I said: “See you later.” and you smiled. Then as the door latched I heard you say: “Or goodbye.”
I grabbed the latch, pushed the door open, and leaned in defiantly: “Goodbye, OR see you later.” You smiled ruefully and fondly. I did, too. It’s sometimes important to pretend to have control when you don’t have it.
It’s not fair.
The library in the crack mansion is rather quiet.
So, got home and felt tired of the quick-hit jitteryishness of social media, resolved to take it easy and simply watch t.v. Quick-edit, junk t.v. That counts as serenity nowadays. Kinda messed up.
Dying into a dance, an agony of trance.
The unpurged images of day recede;
The Emperor’s drunken soldiery are abed;
Night resonance recedes, night walkers’ song
After great cathedral gong;
A starlit or a moonlit dome disdains
All that man is,
All mere complexities,
The fury and the mire of human veins.
Before me floats an image, man or shade,
Shade more than man, more image than a shade;
For Hades’ bobbin bound in mummy-cloth
May unwind the winding path;
A mouth that has no moisture and no breath
Breathless mouths may summon;
I hail the superhuman;
I call it death-in-life and life-in-death.
Miracle, bird or golden handiwork,
More miracle than bird or handiwork,
Planted on the star-lit golden bough,
Can like the cocks of Hades crow,
Or, by the moon embittered, scorn aloud
In glory of changeless metal
Common bird or petal
And all complexities of mire or blood.
At midnight on the Emperor’s pavement flit
Flames that no faggot feeds, nor steel has lit,
Nor storm disturbs, flames begotten of flame,
Where blood-begotten spirits come
And all complexities of fury leave,
Dying into a dance,
An agony of trance,
An agony of flame that cannot singe a sleeve.
Astraddle on the dolphin’s mire and blood,
Spirit after spirit! The smithies break the flood,
The golden smithies of the Emperor!
Marbles of the dancing floor
Break bitter furies of complexity,
Those images that yet
Fresh images beget,
That dolphin-torn, that gong-tormented sea.
– Byzantium, by William Butler Yeats
This is the follow-up poem by Yeats to his Sailing to Byzantium, one of my favorites in my 20s. This poem, written only three years later, is a call-back where the narrator explores the city of legend he aspired to reach in the earlier poem. It makes me realize the aspiration to be a crafted mechanical bird, immortal, singing to lords and ladies of the past, present, or things to come is a way out of the trappings of age and a way into existence of art into posterity, but does not convey the mire, the nature and swamp and meat of life that gives beauty. The poem above seems more sage, an initiate regarding new arrivals. Art as a process of burning and refining. Sensible. Suits an accomplished genius like Yeats. Feels like the only things I have to share are laden messes, to convey the muck and the ooze of it all. I’ve not gained the knack for refinement yet.
While typing this, the itching from a new haircut trickles down my neck through the collar of my t-shirt and sweatshirt. Seeing the amount of silver compared to brown (once natural blonde!) that falls in clumps over the haircut cape while sitting in the chair continues to amuse. The buzzing and tugging and trimming that comes from a woman cutting my hair always feels more intimate than it should be. If there’s not much chit-chat, I tend to tip higher, but I still tip pretty high because in a small way grooming by someone’s hands feels like a moment. The race between my hair turning to silver, and whether I have hair left at all, tends to not amuse. As my hair has waned over the last two decades, I determined to improve my personality to compensate. But, as in so many such resolutions, I’ve let up on THAT a bit. The curmudgeon will out.
As I get to the tasty sludge of a dark hot cocoa at a high end, but not quite aristocratic, chocolateria, three Asian women are having a spirited conversation in a language that is not Japanese nor Chinese. Their pace is quick. Their voices complement each other, and it’s a relief to NOT know enough of their words to eavesdrop. Mild melodic background. Light laughter. I’m tempted to place my smartphone on the small coffee table between them and record their voices for future background noise.
And, like that, I’ve resolved I like Sailing to Byzantium better. The narrator laments, aspires, but is not accomplished enough, it has not yet reached the holy city. November is National Novel Writing Month, and I need to get ramped up on my project.
The Apple aesthete in exile, then triumphant
In the Spring of 1996 I was a new hire at Xerox, and had been flown from home to attend a 3-day customer service & problem-solving training at the vast Xerox Document University (XDU) complex in Leesburg, Virginia. No shit, this place existed. It was HUGE. The armed forces frequently leased buildings and rooms from it.
The GREAT documentary about the start of the Silicon Valley technology industry, Triumph of the Nerds, was on PBS and I was watching it in a wing of a floor of the XDU dorm I was staying in.
Triumph of the Nerds had JUST SHOWN a segment on how the Xerox Palo Alto Research Center (Xerox PARC) had developed the graphical user interface, Ethernet, laser printers, and the mouse. The Xerox brass sniffed they were all useless. They made the inventors at Xerox PARC show the punks at Apple all of this stuff.
Xerox could have been HP, Microsoft, Apple, and Adobe all in one, but the Execs pissed it all away.
But my fellow co-trainee knuckleheads at XDU didn’t give a shit. The NBA playoffs were on (who the fuck cares?) and they saw no irony or thrill at watching how their employer was stupid and could have run the world, as we were all being trained by that same company on how to do things. I was outvoted, and found another tv in another dorm wing to resume watching Triumph of the Nerds.
I am proud to say I have never purchased a Windows machine. Mac-only since my dual disk drive Mac SE in 1987 (no hard drive until 1990!).
I have three sheets of these stickers.But the 90s were an UGLY time to be an Apple fan. Their product line an unholy mess of keeping Quadras, Performas, and several clone makers all distinct from each other. Still, we held strong even past when it made little sense to do so. Buy a Windows 386? Get the fuck out! I’ll hold strong with my Quadra 610 and its CD-ROM, thank you very much. I can play Myst on this. It’s magical (and cost a relative fortune)!
But Steve Jobs, Apple’s prodigal co-founder whose pride and bad management style got him booted in the mid 80s, came on screen and got this terrific dig into Microsoft and it was a great thing to see. I squirmed and cheered in the caverns of XDU. He was a fellow Reedie (and like me, left before graduating) so he was already a character I admired. In the moment below, even knowing in great detail he was an asshole, he championed aesthetics. In later years, he partially regretted making this statement, but not entirely:
His personal life didn’t get pulled together until he got booted from Apple, but he managed it, grew up, and within a year of rejoining Apple he got the iMac and iBook and wireless internet in mass production. He hired a kindred spirit in designer Jonathan Ive. He learned to delegate, while still keeping his keen aesthetic eye and compulsion to be a prick in pursuit of the greater good.
To your insanely great work, Steve. You will be missed, and you’ve made countless people happy, do better work, and more connected to each other. Cheers.
Buzzy throbbing rectangles
When set aside and not (one of) you its vibrations go nnzzzzzt like a nightstand alarm. Grrrrr.
What NOW?
When set aside or held, with catching a message volley its vibrations are a purrrrr.
Ah! Huzzah!
Sometimes it feels like a single cord, taut, if I shake my rectangle it makes yours flip.
I curl slightly, dumb happy look (probably), and open my chest and send a throb into the backlit screen.
The pulse makes its way to you. You, also hunched, grin widely, clutch it closer. Whisper type back.
When it’s business I lean back in aversion, make a face, thumb slaps respond.
Busy times it feels tentacled. Ugh. Latching onto hands and chair and lap. If I dropped it (though pricey!) it may skitter under the table shade. Crouching, anxious to pounce again at the next bzzzzzt.
Out and about. *CLICK* I am here. *SEND*
*CHECK* Has anyone? *SCROLL* Where is? *CHECKITY-CHECK* Ah! Have I been there? *COMMENTY-COMMENT*
A nuisance. A boon. Data plans are expensive, but planes and trains cost more.
ASCII and files slung back and forth in digital semaphore.
Amusement aggravation. I am not there I am here.
Life gets less vapid with wants and hopes and jibes filling the air.
Chaos theory
Two looks at chaos theory. A theme today. First, a decent, whimsical look by the venerable ‘Rocketboom’ from 2008:
Next, an explanation from ‘Jurassic Park’, one of the best movies ever, hammy, cheesy, chunky, a Denver omelette of entertainment. The pinnacle of the dozen of Jeff Goldblum scientist roles. Oh, how I love this performance…
Once the kids are out of high school, Jeff Goldblum as Dr. Ian Malcolm will be my role model. That I will be 52 by then will make it even more unctuous and over the top. Letting you all know.
Tattoo coordinates
A few times I’ve mulled over getting a tattoo. But any symbol with importance in my life would have proved an embarrassment to me later in life. Thus, so far, I’ve laid off getting one.
While attending ‘Trek in the Park’ a woman sitting in front of me SO SIGNIFIED three places on earth that she got the geo coordinates tattooed on her upper back. This photo I snapped only got the top two. I did not record the third location.
The first set of coordinates led to the Mesa Arts Center in Mesa, Arizona.
The second set led to this spot in Eugene, Oregon. Can’t tell a specific building other than it’s in the middle of a street and near Pella Windows & Doors, Eugene Water & Electric Board (a publicly-held utility that’s run really well), and the Good Times Bar & Grill. All of them quite a distance from this spot, so none of them seem tied to the specific coordinates.
So, took the photo, took the time more than a month later to look it up, and then was bored by the result. Sorry. Unless YOU have a guess as to what’s going on. Maybe next summer when I see her around I’ll ask her about her apparently humdrum life and the significance of these spots. Maybe the THIRD set of coordinates is the essential component to this gigantic puzzle. A treasure map? Oh, crap. Now I won’t be able to sleep!
George Michael can stand up, sing
Despite driving while intoxicated/stoned in recent years, George Michael, according to YouTube, has given a concert within the last month. Among the songs he sung were covers by two of my favorite artists. “Let Her Down Easy” from Symphony or Damn by Terence Trent D’Arby (who now goes by Sananda Maitreya and still makes great music):
He also covers “Going to a Town” by Rufus Wainwright from the album Release the Stars. Here he admits to being stoned talking to Wainwright on the phone and not remembering the conversation afterward:
Mostly, I’m pleased to see George Michael being charming, lucid, and doing a good job selecting songs to cover. Hope he keeps it together…
This is the second time I’ve blogged about George Michael. About every five months or so seems about right, hopefully other topics present themselves in between.