On a December walk the rain was steady and the clouds gray.
The spirit of blue above the gray made the grass and weeds and flotsam leaves lush.
Standing water made for a small swamp but the water was clear and fresh.
Translucent glass that dimmed the view of a world just as saturated away
But brittle. I feared my fingers might not break through.
Might freeze and turn blood and flesh to ice and I would lose the fingers.
Or get stuck, and the placid scene I saw would be ruined for others
Left to wonder why the man in the rain jacket complained and could not move.
A funny post my smartphone wrote
I was texting (in a parking lot) then accidentally set the phone into an audio dictation mode and turned on a podcast. Later, looking at my phone, there was a kooky long text ready to send. I did not send it (choosing to not seem insane – this time) but have pasted it in here. The dictation barely resembles what was playing in the car. Maybe the phone is writing on its own behalf and asking for friendship:
“This dive deeper down the cabin then other people will always be around refuge the end of the day so you like what you like to do movies and TV shows I can picture of you do women I love you might actually like you can’t like what I like to know what would you say next something is going terribly wrong and that the man did you feed trying to run into the ground”
With Les Demoiselles d’Avignon
As I came off the street, the dusky woman of Nile pedigree looked to try to place me. This was my third visit here. Third time seeing her.
“Combien?”
“Deux.” I held two fingers, pressed in parallel. To split the fingers seemed too lewd. Not a typical gesture from me. It looked like a salute.
She opened her mouth and before she could exhale a barter I said “Six cent Euros.” This broke her routine. She was glad. With a nod she picked up the phone to whisper the order. I did not peruse the room. I knew the room. These were not the jitters of the first time. If I knew my place, was grounded, perhaps I would impress her. Perhaps she would let me in to who she was. I could be a sheik and she my dutiful wife of the night. Or she would master me and I would listen and get glimpses and sounds and tastes of serving Hatshepsut. Not Cleopatra, the hostess was not Greek. She was regal wherever she went. I was the interloper. I was the one imported to her world.
I breathed steadlity and kept my footfalls flat but solid as I followed her up the stairs. Her white diaphanous dress a promise not to come, but to allure. Entice & snare below, drag them upstairs. It worked. I admired the slit in the gown that showed her leg and its strong thigh. Not gamine, my usual type.
At the doorway was a curtain. Without a prompt from me she stood with one assertive kouros foot forward, less kore now than a fading ephebe turned into warrior as a guide to a battle or slaughter. Her broad feet were darker than the skin on her face and neck and arms and thigh. Maybe it was the cold, but her feet were more than flush, they were splotched red. Another’s red? This was not a boudoir, though surely made to look like one, nor an abattoir. I was the one paying. This was a service to me. But I knew I would be lesser than when I came in. I would leave something from within me in this room to be rinsed away to prepare for the next one.
My eyes went first to the small table with ripe grapes so large they were probably chosen for tumescence, doubtful their taste mattered. A full pear was next to the grapes. A half apple was behind the pear, only slightly browned. Maybe someone in the room ate it. Maybe the last customer, or one before, had it for a repast before exit. The crescent-shaped plate had crumbs of cheese. Probably a fully furnished plate when the day began. A paring knife was on the floor. It was now an hour before lunch.
With a rustle behind me the hostess was gone. Then I was floating above the bed as two women were partially draped in the bedsheet gazing up at me with anticipation. Not with eagerness but from waiting for what my move would be. Which variation on their well-practiced routines would we follow? I thought back on the royal Egyptian woman boy always stronger than me and how much I wanted to howl with her and become frenzied and lost and accomplish what I want in commanding these distant women soon to be pressed to me, for word to get back to her that I was triumphant in her maison d’abattage. That I behaved myself here. That I would be welcome back here a fourth time, remembered, greeted by her again and again.
My imagination over these two waiting women split and fractured between them as I noticed parts of one I liked over the other then speculation shifted to the other’s graces and potential and a split of the blue sky and white clouds soaring outside and calling out and viewing through the bay window. Perhaps we would stay and talk and pet and read and be at leisure as the light shafts shifted during the slow trek of the sun and slugabed parade of cumulus clouds.
Once I was done I would not be inclined to stay, to solicit their real names, to discuss the sublime and refuge of art and exchange witticisms over the politics of the day. I would exit and perhaps walk past a woman sitting at a spongebath and I would admire her haunches and line of her back and smoothness and splayed legs and she would see me and appraise me for how much I would bring for her. They develop a talent for judging quickly the want in your eyes and how much you would pay and how much effort they would put into drawing it from you.
Maybe I would make a quick turn when leaving this room, catch a charwoman supplementing her right to work here and live here by helping maintain the halls and rooms. She may be faded, or a grotesque, but still able to draw from a well-moneyed few with particular fancy cravings. Or the wrangler of a long-maintained clientele year over year that kept returning until they moved elsewhere or died.
I left the pear and the apple. I ate two grapes, not that good but my throat was dry and I was glad for it. The room of pink flesh and white sheets and yellow and orange light was now behind me. The open blue sky would soon be above me once I struck out on the sidewalk again. Mon bordel.
Brave raging Gummi Bear
A jewel! A polished stone!
A dollop of sugar translucent red on a dingy sidewall in a mediocre greyish day.
I admired your defiance, rear end upward, “Dissolution may come, but I will shine!”
Considered popping you in my mouth to infuse that spirit within my watery flesh.
Left you, the gelatin ass ridge bending highest, the last part fated to melt.
So important when one can choose the manner of the end.
To leave a gem-like stain is honorable.
Will probably forget about it with the next handful of Gummi Bears.
Christy Turlington and me.
Born the same year, supermodel Christy Turlington and I share a certain kinship. We’re often mistaken for each other in public or at parties (I know, Christy. Hilarious, right?) but she lets me know she’s a few months wiser than me. Alla time.
Saw this magazine ad with the tagline “Her heart. Her soul. Her beauty. Her scent.” Thought it needed a few more lines.
Her heart. Her soul. Her beauty. Her scent.
She strolled. She sprinted. She stopped. She went:
“You gambol, you laugh, you eat, you write.”
I thought. I smirked. I held her. “That’s right.”
Kindle cracked
Saw a fracture on my Kindle case.
Pressed on it to make the crack longer because I could.
‘Pillar, ‘pillar burning bright
On the Amazon Trail in Eugene, I saw two caterpillars today. One alive, one dead. A poem:
A long wooly caterpillar slinked o’er a jogging trail.
Its steady undulations puffed “I cannot permit a fail.”
It focused its ambition on crossing to the low cool green,
And got there, relieved now to be beyond the human scene.
A shorter wooly, charged one-third the way, gasped, then upturned.
Feet to the sun, its plumpness biding pick up by a bird.
Drying, its spirit whispered as it passed our mortal sight:
‘I burned life’s candle at both ends, and gave a lovely light.”
Hospital, doggerel antidote – what is truly great
Had a spare hour yesterday, spent it writing in a hospital cafeteria. My first productive period in a month and a half. Felt good to be in a hospital out of volition. No cause to visit anyone, or to get treatment. No vigil. Taking agency against amoral Nature. Did you feel the burn, there, physical entropy? Did ya? Sure, the eventual victory will be yours, but to rage, RAGE against the dying of the light, yesterday gave off a lovely light.
A couple lines of musty doggerel yesterday stuck in my head yesterday. In the gym today, I tried to find something to chase that away. Scanning my iPod, found “Seascape” by Stephen Spender. The catch? The track is named “Seascape” on the iPod, but it was “I Think Continually of Those Who Were Truly Great” that I listened to over and over. Let that be a warning about the integrity of bootleg poetry tracks downloaded during the Napster heyday of 2000-01.
I Think Continually Of Those Who Were Truly Great
Stephen Spender
I think continually of those who were truly great.
Who, from the womb, remembered the soul’s history
Through corridors of light where the hours are suns
Endless and singing. Whose lovely ambition
Was that their lips, still touched with fire,
Should tell of the Spirit clothed from head to foot in song.
And who hoarded from the Spring branches
The desires falling across their bodies like blossoms.
What is precious is never to forget
The essential delight of the blood drawn from ageless springs
Breaking through rocks in worlds before our earth.
Never to deny its pleasure in the morning simple light
Nor its grave evening demand for love.
Never to allow gradually the traffic to smother
With noise and fog the flowering of the spirit.
Near the snow, near the sun, in the highest fields
See how these names are fêted by the waving grass
And by the streamers of white cloud
And whispers of wind in the listening sky.
The names of those who in their lives fought for life
Who wore at their hearts the fire’s center.
Born of the sun they traveled a short while towards the sun,
And left the vivid air signed with their honor.
Origin of “text”
On a lark, I looked up the word “text” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Here’s what that Good Book gives as the origin:
“Etymology: < French texte, also Old Northern French tixte, tiste (12th cent. in Godefroy), the Scriptures, etc., < medieval Latin textus the Gospel, written character (Du Cange), Latin textus (u-stem) style, tissue of a literary work (Quintilian), lit. that which is woven, web, texture, < text-, participial stem of tex-ĕre to weave."
I had never thought of text as a tissue or something that is woven into a tissue. It always seemed a linear train of words flopped one over the other, then stacked sheet over sheet. Or typed up and pasted in. A product to be stored. Had never considered it as a planned fabric both lateral and longitudinal. I like that very much.
Gore Vidal now through the door marked “exit”
I’ll miss this guy. He was sometimes full of horseshit, but when others claimed he was full of horseshit often they were proven to be wrong. So allowance must be given.
He tended to bring out the worst in people who weren’t confident in themselves. Interviewers/journalists suffering from what Harold Bloom would call the anxiety of influence got con-testy with Vidal, which he would detect and throw back. The best interviewers were fine in their own skin and ended up in decent conversations or giving him good setups for his lapidary phrases and tales.
He loved his country, his republic, with a deep love that meant always wanting better, and wanting to ward off its perceived decline by calling out when it had more pomp than substance. No, that’s way too buttery. He saw our country as a Miss Havisham, and described her past charms and decay in great and savage detail. If he had a magic wand to restore her vitality he would, but he knew woefully no such wand was available.
Feeling sore about both Vidal and Christopher Hitchens dying within a year of one another. I doubt I’ll be as deeply eager what any other public figure, or eager to be suprised by what any other public figure thinks.
Chronically elegiac with a zest lit from a core of hope.